im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
