cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
