i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
