Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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