yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
