Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
