areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
