We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
