mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
