I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
