i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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