He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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