just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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