recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
