There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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