Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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