Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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