she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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