She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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