This is not my ceiling
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
NoShamevember. You game?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
