woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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