Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
