Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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