i need an iv and a liver transplant
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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