Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
