I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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