Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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