i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
