sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Randomize
