I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
