I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
