one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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