I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
