we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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