im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
