I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
