sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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