If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
