So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
