hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
