Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
