Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
