i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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