i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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