update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
