Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
