we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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