If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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