The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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