well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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