I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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