You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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