I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
