I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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